Here is a list of some of my most important New Year's resolutions over the course of my life:

Age Four:            Pee without pulling my pants all the way down to my ankles.

Age Six:               Take the training wheels off and learn to ride a bicycle.

Age 15:                 Lose my virginity.

Age 16:                 Lose my virginity.

Age 17:                 Lose my virginity.

Age 18:                 Travel the world.

Age 25:                 Get a real job.

Age 30:                 Have kids.

Age 35:                 Blessed with two small children, get a good night’s sleep at least once.

Age 40:                 Lose weight.

Age 45:                 Lose weight.

Age 50:                 Avoid going broke.

Age 55:                 Lose weight and avoid going broke.

My current New Year’s resolution for 2015 is become a grandpa. I think I’m finally old enough to handle the responsibility.

Best wishes for a healthy, happy and prosperous new year to my loyal readers, all dozen of you.

My bathroom scale is broken. That’s the only possible explanation for a recent strange turn of events. According to this devilish device, I register five pounds more than I did only a few weeks ago. Like the HAL 9000 computer in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, a mere machine has apparently developed its own secret agenda and ego-maniacal ambition, and is willing to crush any human who dares cross its path.

The only other alternative to this sudden escalation in measured body mass is that round-the-clock snacking and a couch potato lifestyle has something to do with it. Nah, too farfetched to be believable.

I think my jeans also shrank in the wash. I'm losing my faith in mechanical contraptions.