My bathroom scale is broken. That’s the only possible explanation for a recent strange turn of events. According to this devilish device, I register five pounds more than I did only a few weeks ago. Like the HAL 9000 computer in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, a mere machine has apparently developed its own secret agenda and ego-maniacal ambition, and is willing to crush any human who dares cross its path.

The only other alternative to this sudden escalation in measured body mass is that round-the-clock snacking and a couch potato lifestyle has something to do with it. Nah, too farfetched to be believable.

I think my jeans also shrank in the wash. I'm losing my faith in mechanical contraptions.